I wish he had never done it, or at least is alleged to have done it. I wish I didn’t have to force myself to delete his songs from my iTunes or step off the dance floor when his latest –and greatest – song comes on. I wish that picture of her had never made its way online. I wish I could just ignore this one and let someone else speak up; there are always enough people to speak up, right? I wish that were true.
I thought about writing this post when I first heard about Chris Brown allegedly assaulting Rihanna. Then I told myself that he’s only accused of laying violent hands on her, so I should wait and see. I thought about it again when I saw the picture from TMZ with her battered face close to tears. Then I told myself that the blogosphere would be so saturated with commentary that my voice wasn’t necessary. I thought about it again when I watched the women on The View –yes, I was watching The View– discussing the incident and how shocked they seemed that a multimillion dollar “man” would do this to his multimillion dollar girlfriend. Then I told myself I didn’t know what to say.
I guess I need to find the words because clearly the message isn’t getting through. In a survey of 200
Now, there are a few excuses that can be offered here. First, the Herald was surveying people 19 or younger; they just don’t know any better. Second, it’s only a sample of 200 kids. Third, we don’t if they survey meant violent fighting or simply arguing when it asked if fighting is a normal part of a relationship. Yet, as I said, those are just excuses and so are questions like “What she did she do to deserve such a beating?” or suggestions that he may have been drunk, stressed, or otherwise not in his normal state of mind.
Let’s remind ourselves that Brown is also 19 and just like the 200 persons surveyed, he too seems to be confused. Somewhere in their lives, he and the 92 kids surveyed missed the lesson that it’s never alright to hit someone. It’s never alright to use physical violence against a person. It’s never alright. Full stop. Period. End of story.
Yet, it continues. According to the Center for Disease Control, 1.3 million women in
Clearly this is a problem. Yet, we are often happy to push it aside believing that it affects no one we know, will be dealt with by someone else, or is simply too big for us to do something about. Indeed, this is the case with many problems we as a society face today. However, we are only letting ourselves down if we allow domestic violence to continue. By not speaking out, or even by allowing ourselves to sometimes resort to violence, we are chipping away at the things that make us decent people. No woman or man deserves to be abused by the person whom they often love the most. No one should live in such fear that the website for the Violence Against Women Online Resources program at the
I understand that we are only humans. Many persons may argue that violence is part of our nature; that it is sometimes inescapable. Others will say that men are more prone to violence and, therefore, it is enviable that they will sometimes use force. As a man, I can only share my story. I have hit other men and been in shoving matches while arguing with my older sister when we were younger. Yet, I can remember two instances quite vividly that highlighted that that violence was never acceptable. The first came too late when my sister and I were growing up. I had aged to the point where any sort of altercation was no longer a fair fight. During some insignificant argument, I pushed her into a corner. I will never forget the look on her face, full of shock and fear. I will also never forget the sounds of her cries as she told our mother how scared she was when I got mad and how I was worse than our father when he was drunk. Her words stopped me in my tracks and put me at the beginning of a long road. It is the one I have walked everyday since; the one that keeps me off the path of violence, violence that I learned as a boy.
It was that road that I stayed on ten years later on a street far from home. A few friends and I were walking home after a night out. The girls in our group asked us if we could say something to the guys who had been following us ever since we’d left the club, as they were uncomfortable having strange men around. Two other guys and I went to talk to them and before I knew it, one of the guys in the other group got angry and punched me in the face. Each man in both groups seemed to stop breathing in anticipation of what was to come next. It was obvious that no one on either side wanted to commit to a fight, but it was also understandable if I chose to fight back. It was only seconds before I realised how stupid it was to hit him back despite the fact that he was smaller than I was. I thought about all the things I stood lose if I did. Then it occurred to me how utterly stupid the whole thing was and how unnecessary violence would have been. I told him to get lost and, with what seemed like a great sigh of relief, his friends led him off. I walked home that night relieved that, despite how difficult it had been to control my temper, I had been man enough to know the right thing to do.
I just wish Chris Brown knew that feeling too. I wish all men could revel in that feeling of relief, knowing that they are not animals, but men. I wish those who hit others could escape the torturous moments of violence by their own hand –moments that their minds will force them to relive over and over again. I wish that those who were violent did not find themselves voicing empty apologises because, all too often, they will only do it again. I wish we understood that violence hurts not only the oppressed, but the oppressor. I wish we understood that by being silent we are allowing the violence to continue. I wish it would end.
